O S C I L L A T E W I L D L Y

I LOVE THIS CITY SO MUCH

2012-02-02T13:50:00.000+13:00

NEW KID FOOTWEAR

2012-02-02T12:16:00.005+13:00

I WANT TO LIVE HERE, BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE IT'S AN AQUARIUM, WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO LIVE HERE EVEN MORE.

2012-01-27T10:20:00.001+13:00

Living in an aquarium would be so cool. Instead of having a shower in the morning you could have a swim with the fishes. Fish pedicures 24/7. Gross. I used to be a member of the Kelly Tarltons Junior Jaws club. We had a sleep over at the aquarium one night. It was super.

Also, hippopotamus spewing slime fountain!! Hippopotamus means 'river horse' in Greek (pretty much). Also, there's this.

ALSO, there was a man (homeless?) sitting on a bench in Parco Sempione who had taken his boots off and was tenderly brushing his socks with a nail brush. It was a dreamy moment.

BEST EMAIL EVER #2

2012-01-27T10:01:00.000+13:00

Oh Susan Im well thanks and Im a mucus free zone these days!

Today I am moving house

For the last year I have lived with a woman from work and her husband and also her father

Her father Murray listens to Wagner very loud all day because he is deaf and stoned.And when hes not doing that hes at the gay sex club.

Im moving into Anna's house.And when I say house I mean garage.Im going to live in the parking garage like a Somalian family.

Anna suggested we stop calling it the garage and start calling it something nicer.I thought Jerrys Playhouse, but now Im leaning towards the snake pit.

My friend Sam had a revolting couch burning beer drinking buddy who lived in a small room with two other grubby boys and a playstation.

they lived in the small room together to save rent and the entire floor was just mattresses jutted together with a flat screen TV at the foot of the bed.

On one occasion these three gents balled one girl together in this dungeon and I think thats why they called it the snake pit.

how/where are you?

Love you always

THE AMAZING HAT HANDED MONSTER

2012-01-25T23:29:00.001+13:00

BADASS VEGETABLES

2012-01-22T05:02:00.000+13:00

The pink one at the top is a variety of radiccichio that I don't know the name of, and the cauliflower/broccoli thing is cavolo romanesco which is just the coolest vegetable in the world, and also delicious, so delicious.

ROAD KILL

2012-01-22T04:53:00.002+13:00

JAN'S

2012-01-21T12:44:00.001+13:00

There is a pube (pub) in Stoke Newington called Jan's. It's a real dive, except that it's not cheap (which a dive should be). I think it's a failed attempt at a fancy Belgian bar disguised as a dive. It's across the road from my friend's house, so we go there a bit. The guy that owns the place specialises in some kind of flavoured Belgian Gin which i'm pretty sure is just schnapps, which no one my age has drunk since 1997. Anyway, it was completely empty, and the owner guy was one of those late 40s gay men who dresses like a science teacher, so I really wanted to like it there. I love a good dive bar.

So I went to the bar to order whiskey, because I like whisky, and it was cold outside, and when it's cold outside I prefer to drink either red wine or whisky, and there is no way in hell i am getting a red wine from a Stoke Newington dive like Jan's, so I got whisky. When I ordered it he started telling me about his glorified schnapps, and I was all friendly and interested, but I didn't want any fruity fucking vanilla schnapps, which I told him (in an extremely polite way) and drank three whiskeys over the course of an hour before going home a bit tipsy, but not having behaved badly in any way.

A few days later I went back with a different friend, and I had told this friend about the sweet dude that ran the pube, and how he reminded me of this other sweet dude that ran a real sweet bar that we used to go to on Anzac Ave in Auckland, and how he was despy for me to try his sweet schnapps. So we went in, and again it was empty, and he was doing a sudoku which I thought was pretty cute, and still dressed like a science teacher (Mr Pawson, New Plymouth Girls High School), and I said "hello", (cause we had chatted the last time for a bit and I thought he'd remember since there's no one ever in there), "I would like to try some of your delicious flavoured Belgian gin please." I didn't even want to try his fucking gin, I was just being polite, and I really liked Mr Pawson, and Russell from the bar on Anzac Ave, and I wanted this guy to be like them. So, he was quite excited that we wanted to try his fruity gin, so he went off to the fridge to get it, and we chose out fruity fucking flavours (there were creamy ones too! Bleagh!) and as he was pouring them he started to tell us about how a girl had come into the bar a few nights ago and refused to try his gin, and would only drink whisky. At first I though he was teasing me, so I was all charming and fag haggy and like "ohhh how RUDE!" but then he kept going on about it and I realised that he was bitching TO me ABOUT me without realising it was me he was bitching about AND to. I didn't really care though, cause, you know, I'm a laid back kind of chick. So I just drank my shitty schnapps and had another drink (I felt awkward ordering whiskey so I got wine, which was of course disgusting) and then I went home.

A few days later I went to Jan's again. If you are familiar with Stoke Newington you will be familiar with City Kebab. Best darn kebabs in London. They really are. So of course I had to stop there on the way to the pube to get a felafel kebab, open, with everything. When I got to the pube I was all like thinking 'I'm gonna have whisky cause it's cold and wine is arse,' so I went up to the bar and ordered a whisky, and he poured me my whiskey, took my money, THEN told me I had to go stand outside in the rain with my kebab! What a guy! In December! Fucking hell. It's a dive pub! There's no kitchen! What was his problem with my kebab? Was it going to scare off his other customers (ie. the 3 friends I was meeting there)? What a dick. I put my kebab in my bag, drank my whisky, (which btw was shit whisky, but I can't tell the difference, as long as it's not smokey, you could give me brandy and I'd think it was whisky) and went home to watch Dr Who on sidereel. I ate the rest of my kebab on the way home, it was not ideal, as it was pretty cold by then.

I didn't go back, cause I felt a bit personally offended after all that, and you know, it'd be kind of dumb to keep going back, like battered wife syndrome or something (I had a boyfriend like that once, but he didn't beat me, he just cheated on me and then told me he didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore, and then he'd tell me he wanted me back a few days later, and it went on and on for a year, god I'm a dingus sometimes). BUT, a few nights later another couple of friends were there drinking beer, and then they decided they wanted tequila shots, so went to the bar to order them, and old Mr Pawson look-alike over there gave them fucking schnapps, didn't tell them it wasn't tequila, (it's very dark in there) and still made them pay for it! The cheek.

I was so darn unimpressed I thought I'd write a blog about it. Here it is. Not a whole blog. A blog entry. I thought I'd blog. There. I used the word 'blog' as a verb. I have always been terrible at writing conclusions.

SOME GRASS AND A ROSE

2012-01-21T10:34:00.000+13:00

AWW SOCKS 2

2012-01-21T10:22:00.003+13:00

FIERA MILANO CITY

2012-01-21T03:21:00.001+13:00

CHAIRS

2012-01-21T03:19:00.003+13:00

TIGER

2012-01-20T13:14:00.001+13:00

CRAZY BIRD DAY

2012-01-18T10:40:00.000+13:00

One day, about a month ago in Milan, the trees were full of these crazy flocking black birds. Then they were gone the next day. They were eating something in the trees I suppose, they were like a locust swarm, which reminds me, the collective noun for ladybirds is a 'loveliness'.

There's a similar day in London in the 'Summer' that I like to call 'crazy flying ant day'. The city swarms with winged ants- the pavement is black with them and they fly into your mouth and eyes and nose, it's schifo.

WILD AS ANYTHING

2012-01-17T12:12:00.001+13:00

New Kid Wild As Anything from New Kid on Vimeo.

Video I'm in for NEW KID - the BEST shoes!

VISTA

2012-01-16T12:40:00.000+13:00

RED IS THE NEW BROWN

2012-01-11T10:53:00.000+13:00

CHRISTMAS

2012-01-07T11:25:00.003+13:00

PS

2012-01-07T08:58:00.001+13:00

CLOUDS OVER THE ITALIAN ALPS

2012-01-07T08:49:00.005+13:00

JESUS WITH LASER EYES

2011-12-21T02:55:00.003+13:00

PIAZZA DEL DUOMO

2011-12-18T06:50:00.003+13:00

SAD FACE

2011-12-18T05:38:00.005+13:00

BOUGANVILLEA

2011-12-12T23:03:00.001+13:00

PURPLE

2011-12-11T10:13:00.001+13:00

FROZEN

2011-12-11T10:09:00.001+13:00

BEACH LYFE

2011-12-07T02:40:00.001+13:00

MORE PENIS

2011-12-07T02:31:00.001+13:00

SNAKES V MAFIA

2011-12-02T00:15:00.001+13:00

I went for a bike ride and about 15 of the 20 cars that drove past tooted. I don't know if it's because they don't see many blonde girls on bikes here, or if it was angry get the fuck off the road with your stupid camera tooting. There were lots of places I wanted to explore, but I was too scared of snakes/mafia. Then I made friends with a dude who was from Modica, where the chocolate comes from. He worked at a beautiful villa 3 km away with a small golf course and palm trees. He had worked there for 25 years. He had a photo album in the glovebox of his car. He showed me photos. And we spoke in Italian! I am getting better (still bad though)! I told him I was from New Zealand, but I don't think he knew where that was. What a nice guy! It's the first of december today, and it's about 25 degrees. Yesterday I had a massage from suave physiotherapist Massimo. It was really painful, but in a good way. I am pretty much in Africa, which is cool. Also, cactus heaven. And oranges everywhere. they are even all over the roads! I am very content.

GETTING LOST

2011-11-30T22:39:00.001+13:00

The other day I was cycling from Porta Genova to Corso Vercelli, and I got a little lost on the way, so I pulled into a piazza to have a look at google maps, and then I saw this, which turned out to be the home of Leonardo's Last Supper. Sometimes getting lost is wonderful.

ETNA

2011-11-30T22:38:00.001+13:00

HOSPITAL

2011-11-28T05:23:00.001+13:00

NEW ZEALAND CARNIVOROUS PLANT SOC.

2011-11-25T10:29:00.001+13:00

SO I DON'T FORGET

2011-11-25T08:48:00.001+13:00

AT APPROX 3:45 THIS BUILDING HAS THE SHADOW OF A TREE ON IT WHICH I REALLY LIKE

2011-11-25T02:42:00.001+13:00

INVERNO

2011-11-23T10:30:00.001+13:00

HEY THERE FINLAND

2011-11-23T09:08:00.001+13:00

Hi There, I just figured out that there are some people who like to look at my blog pretty regularly who are from Finland, and I just wanted to say 'hi'. Here's a picture of my favourite toothpaste. I don't know if you can get it in Finland, but if you can, I recommend it. I used to buy it for £7 a tube when I lived in England. Retarded, I know. I have had 3 boyfriends in a row called Finn. 2 of them I hate more than I hate John Key. John Key is the current prime minister of New Zealand. He is the world's greatest knob. I hope you're not Christians, because if you are then you'll probably be offended that I photoshopped Helen Clark's head onto Jesus' body. I think it is my best work yet. There was a Finnish exchange student at my high school called Julia. She was cool. Well, thanks for reading my blog, and stay warm.Love Susan

MILK MUM

2011-11-23T02:51:00.001+13:00

THIS IS SO COOL I AM POSTING IT ON BOTH OF MY BLOGS

2011-11-23T02:34:00.000+13:00

fuckyeahhelenclark.tumblr

AIUTO! MORE AUTUMN?!

2011-11-21T10:05:00.001+13:00

OSCILLATE WILDLY. AIUTO! MORE OF AUTUMN?!

AM I ALIENATING MY BLOG READERS BY POSTING TOO MANY PHOTOS OF AUTUMN LEAVES?AM I ALIENATING MY U. S. READERS BY CALLING AUTUMN 'AUTUMN'?

STAR WARS RETURN OF THE EWOK PART THREE

2011-11-17T22:08:00.001+13:00

STAR WARS RETURN OF THE EWOK PART TWO

2011-11-17T22:04:00.001+13:00

STAR WARS RETURN OF THE EWOK PART ONE

2011-11-17T10:30:00.000+13:00

THIS IS REALLY AMAZING AND YOU MUST WATCH IT

TIGER MAN

2011-11-16T03:21:00.001+13:00

STRIPPING APE AND SEXY CHICKEN WITH ENORMOUS BUTT FABRIC

2011-11-16T03:19:00.001+13:00

YUM

2011-11-15T04:11:00.001+13:00

CIMITERO MONUMENTALE DI MILANO

2011-11-15T03:43:00.001+13:00

SPAIN AGAIN

2011-11-14T12:50:00.001+13:00

OSCILLATE WILDLY. SPAIN AGAIN

MORE THAN ONE CACTUS PART TWO

2011-11-14T12:45:00.001+13:00

SUNGLASSES

2011-11-14T12:28:00.001+13:00

CONEY ISLAND SUNSET

2011-11-14T08:27:00.001+13:00

by my pal Florian Habicht. He has a new film called Love Story.

I WENT CLUBBING

2011-11-14T02:22:00.001+13:00

For the second time in my life (the first time was for a staff Christmas party. I did not enjoy it then either). The club was in an old church. The DJ booth was on the the 'altar'. Last night, God was a DJ. (LOL).

There was a giant chandelier in the middle of the room, which went up and down sometimes. It was so fancy. I needed to pee, so I went to the bathroom queue, where I was surrounded by pneumatic blondes covered in genuine diamantes, and emaciated 12 year old girls sharing cubicles. The all spoke Russian to each other, and jumped the queue. I did pee eventually, then I had to elbow my way through the six foot cougars to get to the one sink (and mirror) to wash my hands. When I got back to my friends I noticed that the emaciated 12 year olds were dancing on the bar. It was cool.

There were many men wearing pale blue shirts tucked into beige trousers (according to Julian the banker, who took us there, it is the club that the bankers go to). There were also many men in crisp white shirts and distressed jeans with 'casually draped' cotton scarves. There were also many cougars. The white tips of their French manicures glowed in the black light as they danced to Maroon 5, and some very clever 'mash ups' which featured gems such as Katy Perry's 'Fireworks', Joan Jett's 'I Love Rock n' Roll' (I'm so sorry Joan) and Gunners' 'Sweet Child o' Mine'. It was so pretty.

PINUS PINEA

2011-11-13T01:40:00.001+13:00

UMBRELLAS

2011-11-13T01:35:00.001+13:00

DOLL

2011-11-12T09:10:00.001+13:00

HERE'S A PICTURE OF A PERFUME LID

2011-11-12T08:20:00.002+13:00

HERE'S THOSE PEARS I WAS TALKING ABOUT, AND ADAM'S HAND AGAIN

2011-11-12T08:20:00.001+13:00

HERE'S A JAPANESE MAPLE

2011-11-12T08:19:00.002+13:00

CURIOUS FRENCH CAT

2011-11-12T08:13:00.002+13:00

FAIR

2011-11-11T02:12:00.003+13:00

You can win a goldfish at a fair here. Also, on Halloween I saw a guy dressed as a member of the KKK. And I was all like WHAT THE SHIT? You know? FYI he had KKK written in vivid on his outfit, presumably to avoid being mistaken for a deformed ghost. It was in Florence, which is full of Americans. Possibly more than in all of America [I mean the USA]. I don't know if Americans are more racist, or Italians. Is it racist to call Italians racist? They really are. And homophobic too. And sexist. Nice country though. Good art.

ART

2011-11-11T02:10:00.003+13:00

ANOTHER COOL CHURCH

2011-11-11T01:39:00.002+13:00

blah blah blah...

AUTUNNO

2011-11-11T01:20:00.008+13:00

Ginkgo trees are the coolest, but their berries or whatever they are smell like fermenting rubbish slash vomit. [btw I can't find the slash key or the normal bracket keys on this computer and I can't be bothered looking for them properly 'cause I am tired 'cause I stayed up all night watching True Blood]

These are the trees that look like elephant legs.

This is some famous Milanese architecture which I think was designed by Gio Ponti who WHOA! looks like Anthony Hopkins. FREAKY.

I know these all look like cheesy photos from an early 2000s screensaver, but i really love autumn. I'm gonna go buy some gourds and read some poetry now.

I HAVE A COMPUTER! THAT MEANS I AM GONNA START PUTTING UP PHOTOS REGULARLY AGAIN! YAY!

2011-11-09T02:51:00.000+13:00

CREEPY DOLL

2011-10-28T00:43:00.002+13:00

Thanks Adam for hand modeling.

Also thanks Adam and Sophie for letting me use your computer!

GRATTACIELI

2011-10-28T00:40:00.000+13:00

I BOUGHT SOME ARTICHOKES FOR SOPHIE BUT THEN I ATE THEM

2011-10-28T00:36:00.001+13:00

THEY DIP THE PEAR STALKS IN RED WAX HERE

2011-10-25T07:09:00.000+13:00

Can you imagine how cool that looks? I would upload a photo but I still don't have a computer.

VOGLIO GELATO

2011-10-02T09:42:00.000+13:00

BEACH BLAST

2011-10-02T09:34:00.001+13:00

PENIS COLA

2011-10-02T09:10:00.003+13:00

IRON BOW

2011-09-30T02:16:00.002+13:00

CHIESA DI SAN FRANCESCO

2011-09-30T02:11:00.002+13:00

WHO WANTS TO BUY ME A COMPUTER SO I CAN "BLOG" SOME MORE?

2011-09-23T06:54:00.000+12:00

STAYING IN PLANE LINED SUBURBAN STREETS WHERE HOMES ARE IDENTICAL

2011-09-09T22:34:00.000+12:00

AND KIDS RIDE BICYCLES ON THE PAVEMENT AND ASIAN MAIDS WALK PAIRS OF PEDIGREE DOGS IS AWESOME WHEN YOU'RE READING 'THE VIRGIN SUICIDES'.

SCHIFO SUNSET OVER ELBA

2011-08-22T10:19:00.001+12:00

COOL PLANT ON COOL ROCK

2011-08-22T10:18:00.000+12:00

DOG FOUNTAIN: A FOUNTAIN FOR YOUR DOG

2011-08-22T10:08:00.000+12:00

I FOUND A THISBE IN CINQUE TERRE!

2011-08-22T10:06:00.001+12:00

LE CINQUE TERRE

2011-08-22T10:00:00.003+12:00

BEST EMAIL EVER:

2011-08-01T09:19:00.002+12:00

KATE:

Hey,

Vincent and I are going to Spain. We fly into Barcelona on Wed 14th eve and fly out 3pm Wed 21st. We are going to stay there for 2 nights, then probably rent a car and go to Peniscola on the 16th for 5 nights. This is the best we've found so far to stay...

(etc...)

Anybody keen? Need to know asap if we should book for 6 or what.

Yeah? yeah.

MICK:

Ah ha ha, PENIS-COLA. Yuck!

BUT NEVER LET ITALIANS MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA

2011-08-01T08:57:00.002+12:00

Even if he is a Dior Homme

COOKING PASTA FOR ITALIANS IR REALLY INTIMIDATING

2011-08-01T08:56:00.002+12:00

HERE'S A PHOTO I TOOK WITH MY COMPUTER

2011-07-29T20:17:00.000+12:00

THISBE HAS GONE MISSING.

2011-07-26T06:47:00.000+12:00

Devastated,

Susan

THE TERRIBLE BOREDOM OF PARADISE

2011-07-25T02:59:00.002+12:00

Hi Pals.

I am in paradise, and I forgot my camera cord.

Sorry.

Susan

TUNNOCK'S TEA CAKES

2011-07-18T10:33:00.000+12:00

PONTE SANT'ANGELO

2011-07-18T10:12:00.002+12:00

BOUGANVILLEA

2011-07-17T05:02:00.002+12:00

BUNNY W. GUN AND PENIS AND SMILEY FACE

2011-07-17T05:01:00.001+12:00

HELL BENT FOR LEATHER

2011-07-17T04:58:00.001+12:00

HYDRANGEA

2011-07-14T22:28:00.001+12:00

PERSPECTIVE

2011-07-06T06:43:00.002+12:00

That's Magazine

VIEW FROM BEDROOM WINDOW AT SIMON AND CELIA'S

2011-07-06T06:40:00.001+12:00

They made me like England

A POLE

2011-06-25T23:59:00.002+12:00

TRAFALGAR SQUARE

2011-06-25T19:42:00.001+12:00

STRAIGHT LINES

2011-06-25T10:26:00.003+12:00

BIG BEN

2011-06-25T09:47:00.000+12:00

BLOW UP

2011-06-25T09:38:00.000+12:00

MORE THAN ONE CACTUS

2011-06-25T09:26:00.006+12:00